There’s Beauty in the Breakdown

Driving out of the gym lot that night, I had to make myself not feel sorry for him. His parting words and the look on his face were pathetic. Like he really might have been feeling some of the rejection and shock and sadness that I felt two months ago.

I reminded myself that he was there because he was bored. He was hungry. The world series was over and he wasn’t really in the mood to go home to an empty house. He misses being the center of someone’s world. But he didn’t say he was there, leaning on my car, because he fucked up, he was wrong, he was stupid, he missed me. Nope. He wondered why I haven’t gotten over it yet, why I can’t get past this, why I’m so bent on holding him to a few stupid things he said in those first days.

I reminded him that it was a little different than when I maybe brooded too long over arguments we’d had in the past. He broke marriage vows, questioned my worth, didn’t feel like talking about it because he was too busy chasing someone else and he offered me money to take my name off of the deed to our condo.

He said it again. Jess, I said some stupid stuff that first week. Don’t hold me to them. I miss you. I know what I have with you. you’re my wife and you can’t decide to end this. give me a chance. If not tonight, how about tomorrow. Or the next day. Lunch, dinner, a drink, breakfast. Please. Please.

He said something about Christmas. His mom. She’d like to see me. he asked me how my apartment is. How’s my car. He can’t believe I’m functioning without him. Wow. I changed my oil all by myself?!

My shoulder hurt from holding my gym bag at an angle to block him from moving closer to me.

20 minutes later, I walked into my bar. Instead of sitting at a table, like I usually do, I marched up to the bar and took a stool. My bartender said he’s been waiting for that. His friends came in: an ex-girlfriend with blond hair and black streaks. A loud drunk stock trader. And a really sweet medical researcher, going to school in hyde park. He introduced me like this: this is her. She’s by far the most interesting girl you can imagine. Tell them about your job. Tell them where you’re going next week.

I didn’t tell them I was married to a man who wonders what I bring to the table.

The ex-girlfriend left in a huff. The sweet medical student told me he’s heard all about me and we talked about high school girls; his sister is 17. when he left, he gave me his phone number and said: Don’t tell the bartender. He’ll kill me.

I stayed while the bartender closed, cleaned up the bar, and thanked him for inviting me to meet his friends. He winked, asked if I’d come back on Sunday.

Today, the possibilities continued to multiply. Scoping an open house in my neighborhood, I told a developer I moved to an apartment down the street so I could spend some time watching real estate in the neighborhood. He gave me his card, and said to call him any time. He walked me back to my car and told me to call him. Maybe we could talk some more.

I didn’t tell him I moved to the neighborhood because my husband asked me to leave the two-bedroom condo we bought together.

At trader joes, checking out, the teller’s nametag said: The Wine Guy. He told me he plays a game to see who’s got the best grocery cart and I was the winner for the day. Maybe the week. I told him the chardonnay in my basket was one he’d recommended last week, based on what I’d said about not liking anything too sweet. Oh. Yeah. This is a good one, he said. They cut back on the oak and……I checked out after that. He knows about wine. That’s hot.

He said something witty as I was leaving, that next time I come in he’ll let me taste one I’ll like even better.

At home with my prize-winning groceries put away and a glass of non-oaky chardonnay, a sex and the city rerun on tv, I’m relishing the cliché of a woman on her own on a Saturday night.

I get all the news I need from the weather report

Outlook: good. Sunny.

I’ve been marinating for a week, trying to determine how I feel. And tonight, about an hour ago, It became really clear.

It’s been a busy week and I had other things to think about. Time’s felt precious and I’ve been liking that mornings mean only having to make one side of the bed. Fuck him, haven’t had time to evaluate how I’m “feeling” about him.

So. The big story, the thing that’s got my hands shaking, my head buzzing, my teeth chattering.

I walked out of the gym tonight (freshly showered, dressed for the bar, heading for my weekly rendez vous with the delicious bartender) and there he was. Leaning on my car with his arms crossed.

My God. Those days in the beginning when I longed for a scene like that. When I told him EXACTLY when I’d be at the house, packing my clothes. So sure he’d show up to stop me. When I told him I could give him as much time as he needed to “figure this out” as long as he’d just assure me he was committed to fixing us. And he didn’t answer me, said he “just didn’t know….”

Tonight’s conversation was spiraling and stupid. If I had a transcript I wouldn’t bother printing it. But here are some highlights (more is sure to appear later, once I’ve wrapped my head around it.)

He said he hasn’t done anything wrong. He was just confused in the beginning.

He can’t believe I’m willing to throw everything away based on things he said when he was “confused”

Yeah, I’m right. He did say that he wasn’t sure “what I bring to the table” and that he is “older than me and a little tired of always carrying the relationship” but it isn’t fair to get hung up on that. It’s time to move on. He is lonely now. He wants me back. Forget he ever said that.

My problem has always been that I don’t know how to forgive and forget.

He told me he really misses me. I said good. And crossed my arms, looked right at him.

He asked me to go get a drink at the bar down the street. Where we always used to go. I said no thanks and he dropped his jaw on the ground. He clearly hadn’t planned for that.

After all, he was really confused in the beginning. I caught him off guard. (His words:) He thought that whole thing with her was just going to die down and work itself out. He didn’t want to tell me about it and cause a big drama.

And how could I fault him for the things he said. He was confused. He didn’t even have a bed cause I took it. when I moved out. Cause he told me to.

Then he tried some small talk. He met hugh hefner last week. His idol. Did I hear about that hurricane in florida? How bout them white sox, did I watch any of the games?

Jess. You’re still my wife. Damnit. How can you just stand there like that?

I was still your wife when you were running around with someone else.

This isn’t about her, jess.

I only went to that stupid party with her because we drove there from the office.

It was a Saturday. You don’t work on Saturdays.

Stammer.

I’m sorry. I know it probably took you a few months of courage to show up here but I have to get going. Think about that drink? I know. I caught you off guard tonight.

I understand. But look at me. I’ve lost a lot of weight. I’ve been living on hot dogs. Think about it, that drink. Maybe dinner? Or lunch on Saturday – we could go to your favorite place. I’ll order some fries.Hmm.

I’ve gained a few pounds and a whole lot of other stuff in the last few months. I don’t need to think about that drink. I’m having it right now. You made me late for it, actually.

So much to process. Too little, too late means so much. He was always too little (for evidence, please reference his prize-winning piece on squirrels in Wednesday’s paper….) and right now, I’m thankful he’s too late….