I get all the news I need from the weather report

Outlook: good. Sunny.

I’ve been marinating for a week, trying to determine how I feel. And tonight, about an hour ago, It became really clear.

It’s been a busy week and I had other things to think about. Time’s felt precious and I’ve been liking that mornings mean only having to make one side of the bed. Fuck him, haven’t had time to evaluate how I’m “feeling” about him.

So. The big story, the thing that’s got my hands shaking, my head buzzing, my teeth chattering.

I walked out of the gym tonight (freshly showered, dressed for the bar, heading for my weekly rendez vous with the delicious bartender) and there he was. Leaning on my car with his arms crossed.

My God. Those days in the beginning when I longed for a scene like that. When I told him EXACTLY when I’d be at the house, packing my clothes. So sure he’d show up to stop me. When I told him I could give him as much time as he needed to “figure this out” as long as he’d just assure me he was committed to fixing us. And he didn’t answer me, said he “just didn’t know….”

Tonight’s conversation was spiraling and stupid. If I had a transcript I wouldn’t bother printing it. But here are some highlights (more is sure to appear later, once I’ve wrapped my head around it.)

He said he hasn’t done anything wrong. He was just confused in the beginning.

He can’t believe I’m willing to throw everything away based on things he said when he was “confused”

Yeah, I’m right. He did say that he wasn’t sure “what I bring to the table” and that he is “older than me and a little tired of always carrying the relationship” but it isn’t fair to get hung up on that. It’s time to move on. He is lonely now. He wants me back. Forget he ever said that.

My problem has always been that I don’t know how to forgive and forget.

He told me he really misses me. I said good. And crossed my arms, looked right at him.

He asked me to go get a drink at the bar down the street. Where we always used to go. I said no thanks and he dropped his jaw on the ground. He clearly hadn’t planned for that.

After all, he was really confused in the beginning. I caught him off guard. (His words:) He thought that whole thing with her was just going to die down and work itself out. He didn’t want to tell me about it and cause a big drama.

And how could I fault him for the things he said. He was confused. He didn’t even have a bed cause I took it. when I moved out. Cause he told me to.

Then he tried some small talk. He met hugh hefner last week. His idol. Did I hear about that hurricane in florida? How bout them white sox, did I watch any of the games?

Jess. You’re still my wife. Damnit. How can you just stand there like that?

I was still your wife when you were running around with someone else.

This isn’t about her, jess.

I only went to that stupid party with her because we drove there from the office.

It was a Saturday. You don’t work on Saturdays.

Stammer.

I’m sorry. I know it probably took you a few months of courage to show up here but I have to get going. Think about that drink? I know. I caught you off guard tonight.

I understand. But look at me. I’ve lost a lot of weight. I’ve been living on hot dogs. Think about it, that drink. Maybe dinner? Or lunch on Saturday – we could go to your favorite place. I’ll order some fries.Hmm.

I’ve gained a few pounds and a whole lot of other stuff in the last few months. I don’t need to think about that drink. I’m having it right now. You made me late for it, actually.

So much to process. Too little, too late means so much. He was always too little (for evidence, please reference his prize-winning piece on squirrels in Wednesday’s paper….) and right now, I’m thankful he’s too late….