Steady As She Goes


Today, I catalogued other people’s new year’s resolutions:
celebrities who aren’t going to swear anymore and are going to spend more time at home, relaxing.
A woman in the grocery store who is going to cook.
A man at the gym who is going to lift.
A guy on the phone at the gas station who is going to drink less, man.

And each one sparked my little voice, the one that says, on cue, I don’t believe in new year’s resolutions. I never make them.

But I am resolved, and new year’s is, maybe, a time to reflect on that.

I rang in 2004 with a resolve of hope. Freshly engaged. Starting a January I knew would be better than December, when I found out my new fiancé was sending emails, in Spanish, to a secretary in his office: he didn’t think she should wear underwear to work. he thought it was hot that she went to victoria’s secret on her lunch break. He was hard just watching her walk to the vending machine.

It was a mistake, he said. He took it all back, he said. It meant nothing. She isn’t even hot. She’s got a big ass. I’m such an idiot, I’ll never do it again. We’re getting married, baby. Come on. I love you.

I lied to myself: i love him. I’m committed, loyal. He will be too.

I rang in 2005 with a resolve of newly-wedded bliss. I twinkled my wedding ring at my high school reunion. I told the story of how my husband shoveled my car out of the snow. I was immune to the charms of everyone but my husband, who surprised me with perfect Christmas gifts. We toasted the new year at home, didn’t want to celebrate with anyone but each other.

I lied to myself: see? We’re happy. He loves me. I can trust him.

I rang in 2006 with a resolve of strength. Still living out of boxes in my new apartment, adjusting to paying rent instead of a mortgage and missing my stainless steel kitchen. Refusing to cry about never getting to light the fireplace in our new condo. Stumbling in high heels and glitter. a convincing party girl.

I lied to myself: I’m fine. That was a bad chapter. Move on. start over. No problem.

I’m ringing in 2007 with friends. unresolved. And that feels right.
I’m smarter than I was three years ago.
I’m less naïve than I was two years ago.
I’m more vulnerable than I was a year ago.
I’m strong enough to know that it’s ok to not know what the next year will bring.

...and if I DID have to come up with a new year’s resolution in the grocery line, at the gym, at the gas pump, it would be this: I’m not done with this diary. I resolve to keep reflecting.