I Think It's Strange You Never Knew

My husband does everything, at best, halfway. The result? He feels, always, like things are unfinished. Subject to change. Flexible. I never saw that for what it is: fucking lazy.

He has no trouble committing to an idea, which I always admired. He makes fast decisions. He doesn’t pore over the details like I do. And he doesn’t ever second guess once he makes up his mind. I never realized why: because nothing is permanent. If he changes his mind, he’ll make a new decision.

After he saw American Beauty, he bought a BMW. He said he needed one, the movie inspired him. He washed it every weekend and said he didn’t mind giving up other luxuries for the car payments. It was worth it. It made a statement. He loved it. He’d always wanted one.
When the payments got uncomfortable, he decided to sell it. He traded it in and bought a Vespa because he’d always wanted one.

When the garbage disposal stopped working and started smelling like burning rubber, he offered one of his half-solutions: just turn it off. We don’t need it right now. Turn it back on later and see if it’s working.
He was surprised when I stuck my hands in and pulled something gross out and then, again, surprised that it worked after that.

He frequently offered me this “compliment”: you are pretty and cute and “almost exotic” and with a boob job, you could actually be a knockout. Not that he wanted me to get one.
So, that made me halfway pretty? Unfinished. Changeable.

After a few years with his first wife, he decided they just weren’t a match. She cried and begged him to stay, go to counseling. She wanted children, she wanted him. He didn’t think so, he said. Why bother making efforts to fix something when it was just broken. Why should he spend time figuring out what was wrong when he could just turn it off instead?

Just after I moved out, I asked him why he’d wanted to get married. Why he’d pushed for it. Why, when I hesitated, he said I was being stubborn, he’d committed to me, he was sure. Forever, of course, yes, absolutely.
He had an answer for me. He said when he made vows and said we’d grow old together, he meant it. He’d never been so sure of anything, he said. But that was October. Things changed between that day and this day, in August. He was sure of his answer, didn’t get why I couldn’t understand it.

And, anyway, he didn’t really want to get a DIVORCE. He just wanted to take a break. Flip the marriage off for awhile. Let it “rest” like the smelly garbage disposal and then later, flip it back on. When he needed it.