Wanna Be Bigger, Stronger

Last night, I continued the slow dance with my bartender. After Thanksgiving and extended travel, it felt like a long time since I’d seen him. Fast flurries of conversation, catching up; him leaving the bar for long stretches, perching on the edge of my seat, leaning close to not yell, staying until someone came to fetch him:

I need two martinis.
There are no clean dishes behind the bar.
Uh, sorry to interrupt you but I thought you were working.
There is a line of empty drinks at the bar.
Leave her alone. Maybe she doesn’t come here just to talk to you.

And with that one, he winked. The next trip over, he had a glass of wine.

One of my friends wants to buy you a drink. That one, looking over here. I told him I already bought it for you. Try this. You’ll like it. wink

And back to the bar, the couple who just moved here from Minneapolis standing in the doorway, waiting for him to come and escort them to the bar.

Between bursts of quick talking and leaning I counted simple things he doesn’t know. I’m married.

Before I left, we talked about hair. The woman who kept flipping hers, who was wearing too much makeup, dark lipstick. He said he likes it that I don’t wear lipstick. It’s really hard to clean off the bar glasses. Woah. I almost just kissed you. Shit.

And then I left. I dreamt about Shasta, my college roommate. How I always thought she had enough confidence, bravado for both of us. How I’d harbor a crush on the same guy for a year and he’d never know. How in that same year, she’d sleep with all of his friends. How I’d change clothes three times before we went out and sometimes she'd forget to even look in the mirror.

How she wasn’t especially pretty—pale, washed out, a little faded—but she thought she was. I thought she was. How she wasn’t especially smart—she graduated near the top of her high school class of 22—but she thought she was. How she woke up every morning, pretty and smart. Things she didn’t have to think about.

And how I didn’t feel an ounce of that when I woke up yesterday. Not until someone I hardly know almost kissed me.