This Is Who I Am
You Can Like It Or Not
You Can Love Me
Or Leave Me
But I’m Never Gonna Stop

Tonight I had dinner with a friend we used to share. Walking into the restaurant, I realized I’ve only ever socialized with him as half of a couple.

The evening was many things: dating practice. Delicious. Easy conversation. Validation.

I’ve bounced between strong and weak every single day these last months. At best, reminded that he’s done this before, he’ll do it again, it isn’t me. At worst, wondering how much of it was me. Do I have a shelf life? Did he think I was something more than I turned out to be?

At dinner tonight, P reminded me the last time we saw each other was at the U2 show last Spring. He remembered me deciding just before the music started that 9 minutes was definitely enough time to go get a pretzel and decorate it with mustard.

As I rushed back to my seat, still whole minutes before the music started, he remembered what my husband said: “Look at her. How could anyone not be in love with her.”

I remember him reaching for my hand when they took the stage, and me trying to eat the first bite of pretzel left-handed without getting mustard on my face.