Just Tug At My Shirt And Lay Down Next To Me

A great email from a friend today with this line: “There is a lot of work to do” and I’m a junkie in rehab, so those words stuck out. a lot of work to do. For me, it’s realizing that the reason I like being alone is because I’m selfish and it’s easier. It comes from the same place as never wanting but really wanting children. And that I’m not strong enough to walk away from THAT FUCK without letting him mess me up. That he’s the reason all of a sudden I’m scared everything I do might be a mistake. That I’ve never had trouble trusting people but now I think it’s okay to count on my family and my friends but it’s probably not a good idea to count on counting on a boyfriend.

I saw a couple ordering scones at starbucks this morning, and she took off her gloves and handed them to him and then she put her hands in his pockets. She was wearing a ring and the way she twisted it and looked at it said new engagement ring. He kissed the top of her head and they looked really happy. I stood there thinking ‘she’s in trouble’ but there was a time when I wouldn’t have thought that.

I spent a Saturday with myself and liked it because of small satisfactions. Baby steps on this hellish nightmare report. A really good book and nothing to stop me from reading one more chapter and then just one more. A new, quieter hairdryer at the gym. A really good Christmas token for my mom. A nap while my clothes were in the dryer. But it isn’t new or novel anymore and I’m a little scared. What happens if it stops feeling like this? I don’t like cats and I don’t like ice cream and I don’t want to turn into one of those people who sits on her couch with both because she’s run out of everything else.

I’d like this balance: more time alone than not, but someone to call to the scene sometimes, even just to be there, close by. He could be quiet. He could read or write or pay bills or talk on his phone. He could nap on the couch or be getting ready to run to the store. He could just let me read or watch tv or clean but he’d be there in case I wanted to say something without picking up the phone. In case something funny happened on TV, in case my feet got cold and I wanted to put them under his legs instead of going to find a pair of socks.