Lights will guide you home

4th of july we drove to michigan. the annual all-summer-in-a-weekend, where all outfits include a layer of bathing suit, we'd build our first and last tan lines, take naps on the boat, play a 15-minute round of tennis, eat at the beach bar and lose interest in fireworks before the finale.

we made careful plans to leave the city at noon, arrive in time for a tour of the new summer house; eat hummus and smoked fish.

but something fell apart that day. he didn't answer his phone at noon, was unreachable until 6 pm, when he ambled out of the office, on his cell phone, laughing with the other end. I "killed the mood," seething as we sat in stagnant traffic.

"I just don't understand why you didn't answer the phone. where were you?"

He was busy. He refused to argue. He was bored with my emotion. "Jesus christ jess, love isn't supposed to be this hard." and he scowled, like i was giving him a headache.

I cried the whole way there. not because i didn't know where he'd been all day. because he wouldn't just reach for my hand, say sorry. because we had to spend 20 minutes at a gas station parking lot before pulling into my parents' driveway so i could stop crying. it wasn't until the next day that he said "i'm sorry about last night. i'm really glad we're here." and i said "me too. i'm sorry for making it so hard"

when they changed the layout in the newsroom, she moved to the desk next to his. She's the light to my dark. a real live soccer mom. a notre dame sorority girl. the girl - melissa bestin - he liked in high school, who kept stats for the baseball team and didn't like him.

she wrote entire columns about her hair colorist. the importance of a burberry bag. why it's important to eat expensive lunches.

with her, love WAS easy. she was a fantasy. she became a heroine from the 1950's movies she wrote about. an upstanding innocent with a secret.

when i asked him how long it had been going on, he said: "A few months. Jess, i don't even know her. i hope this isn't asking too much but just give me some time to clear my head." (Just give me some time to finish this. it's still new)

one of my first thoughts: oh god. 4th of july. of course.