I smell sex and candy.

Background info, worth knowing before reading:

Bunny: a nickname. what he always called me. As in “hey, bunny” “where’s my bunny” “I love you, bunny”

I’m a little embarrassed, in retrospect, to admit that I liked it. born out of what, at the time, I deemed sweet and flattering.

He said “bunny rabbits are so fascinating because they have so many different modes, like you.” The cartoon ones are silly, one ear up and one down. Sometimes they have glasses on; that indicates brains, thinking hard. And sometimes, the wild bunnies, hold really still with their noses twitching; observing, aware, ready to run really fast when something scares them. He said that was “his favorite” me, the “scared bunny”—the one he said had her ears and nose twitching, poised somewhere almost out of reach, that he’d have to coax forward; get her ears to go from flat down (scared) to perked up; confident and “sexy” (think playboy bunny; sexy. Object. Conquered.)

So. With that context. Feeling like a shameful broken record for still having this same shit to report. I’m getting bored. Maybe this is getting boring?

Email number one today:

hey, you didn't respond to me.

but offer still stands... how about Sunday night?
don't we have one of those cerfificates for Joeys or Biasettis?

let me know..

awhile back, he bought, for $1 or something, online “certificates” for free dinners at a handful of struggling to survive in the city restaurants. One of his online shortcuts. I think the same website where he bought ten sets of sheets for $10. (which I debated about taking when I moved out and decided I deserved half of. After all, I no longer have free laundry…)

so. What to say about this. it’s multi-layered.

First, “the offer still stands.” As if I were threatened that maybe it had been rescinded?

Second, not only am I not worth a phone call, I’m not worth the price of a dinner? But I’m worth a Sunday night freebie?

And then there’s this, the text message that came hours later:

Bunny!! Where are you? I’ve got treats 4 U. dinner?

And finally, email number two:

I understand. My intentions were exactly as I said: just to catch up. I know you took a long trip recently and wanted to hear about it. I could tell you about my J-lo interview. I can understand, you probably don’t want to talk unless we have “something” to talk about…that’s not what I had in mind..i’m not ready for some big decision discussion or future talk..it was more or less a way to just catch up with how you are doing, what’s been going on, etc..but like I said, I understand your hesitance to not do that..i guess we can skip it on Sunday and just get together when we have more substantive things to talk about.

That’s his interpretation of my silence. I’m waiting. Like a bunny. Nose and ears twitching, waiting for him to reach out and scratch my ears with some “big decision or future talk.” Not a silly cartoon. Not a confident perky-eared playboy. Just a bunny in a field, hopeful and scared and waiting for him to approach with a juicy carrot.