"I’m afraid I’ve fucked you up. I’m afraid you won’t be able to love ever again, I’m afraid you will doubt yourself because of this; I’m afraid you’ll never be the same again."

I. Times I felt/knew/was loved this week:

• my sister waking up at 2:23 in the am, feeling angry and frustrated with you. not for hurting me. For not getting that you were lucky. For overestimating you, for thinking you “got it” that you had a good thing and being so upset that she was wrong
• opening my mailbox at my new apartment and finding a package. a book. With this inscription: it keeps getting better. Read this, it’s you. I love you. Lin
• mom and dad, calling nightly to gently ask what I’m having for dinner. Not that they’re worried
• for that matter, mom and dad on a daily basis, at every turn
• aunt sally, emailing an open invitation for dinner in kenosha, complete with downhome food, hugs, love from grandma and cousin steve who you "wouldn't want to run into in an alley right now"
• tracey’s emails: recipes printed in pretty fonts, highlighting ingredients she knows I love and telling me about tv shows she thinks I should tivo
• melissa and kit giving me an orchid for my new office
• balancing travel and social events on my calendar, realizing I’m lucky as hell to travel the world and still know when I’m home, I’ll see Wicked on Wednesday, go out for Indian on Sunday

II. Times I felt strong this week:

• getting a pedicure in manhattan; having lotion massaged into my calves while poaching a wifi signal to send an email to Singapore
• arranging for an upgraded room in a Singapore hotel. Where I’ll spend a weekend alone, following a two-day itinerary I created for myself
• Opening this email: Hi! I hope you are well. The mothers and daughters research you did for us has evolved! The Council will be holding a press event to launch the the GirlTalk program on October 19th at 10:00 a.m. at the National Press Club in DC. We would love to have you at the event to answer/field questions regarding the research. Please check your calendar and let me know if you will be available to attend. I am sorry I could not give you more advance notice, but I only received the information today. Have a great weekend, I look forward to hearing from you (please say you can come!)
• kickboxing
• waking up alone and prancing to the bathroom in my underwear
• watching sex & the city and getting it
• thinking about online dating as funny, not sad
  

III. you’re right on one count: i’ll never be the same again. I’ll be better.