I don't wanna be no man's woman. i've other work i want to get done.

Excerpt from today's email:
you don't have to be rude, jess. you don't have to ignore me. you are my wife until further notice. this is so typical of you, you're always so quick to make snap decisions. i'm sorry this is hard but once we get through it, just think how good we'll be. you're so frustrating but i can't stay mad at you. i luv u and you make me smile.

so once again, my husband has left me feeling completely turned off.

the hardest bits about splitting up have not been ones that make people cry in movies or even the things that we wrote our vows about. there are the things that, when retold, make other people crings: he was sleeping with someone else for months, lying a lot of the time. once caught, he didn't fall to his knees and he didn't ooze shame. in place of apologies and mistake ownership, he asked me to "sell myself" by reminding him what i bring to the table and really, what did i do to ensure that something like this didn't happen?

but what's worse is realizing all the ways i overestimated him. these weeks, while i swallowed tears every time i saw a couple with their heads bent over a menu, absently tracing lines on the just right spot of each others backs and woke up crying before even registering the absence of his hand cuffed at my hip, he was ordering pizza and playing video games; leaving me text messages about how this is surreal and isn't it like one of us went on a long trip but will be home soon? (oooh. isn't it like one of us pitched a tent in the backyard and is pretending to be on a camping trip in the woods?)

and now, he's looking forward to our reunion. the make up sex and the refreshing way we'll really appreciate those rituals after taking some time off. and i'm mourning the death of my desire for that, the sudden absence of satisfaction with what could have been my life