Face up and Sing

Arriving in Beijing was a little like stepping in wet mud. Moving through a hot, sticky airport at 1 am; coming off a delayed flight to fight crowds through customs, hoards of people reaching out, passively insistent to carry my things.

Firing up my inbox, preparing to read the trickle of Sunday morning messages sent from home, and there he was. Three times.

It’s taken me a few days to find the energy to log his words. Being so far away makes it easier to resist replaying them, reading them again, trying to gain insight into workings that I no longer know as well as I do my own.

hey,
i dont want to be in silence with each other - that accomplishes nothing... we have too much history and love for one another to make this ugly...right?translation: I’m afraid of your silence. I don’t like feeling like I’m not in control.

Not sure how to interpret talking about a relationship that’s history less than a year after vowing its permanence.

In China, the women look quiet and fragile. They defer to men. They giggle when men say “this cell phone is too heavy for a woman.” But they have steel legs from squatting over holes to go to the bathroom and raised tendons in their arms from carrying large buckets of hot water to wash clothes.

I don’t know what you’ve been telling people but someone asked me about p.. not sure how to make this clearer to you -- she is married with children...she is not leaving her husband.. she and i are not a couple, never have been a couple.. she is a co-worker who i developed a crush on but that is it.. she is not the person that is responsible for this ... like i said, i dont want my life to be a fucking soap opera for people..
i will tell people when i feel like telling people.. and i will tell the people that i feel need to know.. i am not going to make our life a fucking soap opera for people to follow.. its none of their business...translation: I’m getting hostile.

Why aren’t you pretending everything is ok? Why can’t you let me erase you without implicating myself?

He doesn’t realize what he’s saying, how hurtful it is. He isn’t with her because she is married and won’t leave her husband. He’s protecting her. She isn’t responsible for this. And of course he’s not. I am?

He doesn’t want this public. His covert romance will be ruined once people start talking about it. She is married with children. And she is not leaving her husband.

Teens in china are spirited and bouncy. They don’t have siblings but there’s a distinct closeness with friends—they spill out of noodle shops holding hands and leaning into each other. They live at home until they’re married, don’t date until they’re serious. Last night, we asked a 20-something if she has a boyfriend. No. She doesn’t have time. She likes to run around with her friends and sing karaoke.

anyway, it would be good to see you and talk in person when you get back... hope the trip is going well.. i hear its Brazil and Singapore, right? i know that you love brazil.. i hope you saw (can't remember her name, the filmmaker) and had a good time..
please let me know when you get back..

I’m not coming back. I’m building strength. I’m running around singing.